Minimalism Reviews

Confessions of a Bagel Slut

October 8, 2016
new york bagel

As I sit here at gate A7, watching some poor slob balancing his Starbucks bagel on his lap as he opens little packets of butter and spread it with a shitty thin little plastic knife, I am appalled. I know I am a bit of a bagel slut/snob. Can I be both?  I grew up in Long Island so I know what a good bagel is, and I’ve spent most of my adult life in the South so I also know the imposters that are little more than  “wonder bread donuts”.

The bagel snob in me scoffs the crappy bagel, then my bagel slut side toasts it, slaps on some cream cheese and gobbles it down. Then the snob comes back and acknowledges that that awful bagel wasn’t worth the calories.

Now, many New Yorkers can be downright ultra snobs thinking that a good bagel cannot be found once you are south of the last exit on the New Jersey Turnpike. I’m here to tell you, they are wrong! I have had some excellent bagels up and down the entire east coast.

Here are some bagel bullet points for expediency, I have a plane to catch.

  1. A great bagel does not need, and I dare say, should never be, toasted! Save that move for the average to crappy variety.
  2. A serious bagel shop will never serve you a bagel with a tiny one ounce serving of Philadelphia Cream Cheese that you spread yourself.. No, a serious bagel shop will spread the butter or Cream Cheese for you. The only exception to this is when you order a dozen (you’ll get 13) and you will buy a tub of Cream Cheese from their display case, and there will be multiple options.
  3. A serious bagel shop will also cut your bagel in half. (that they put the cream Cheese on). If you ordered a dozen, they won’t even slice them for you.
  4. There is no excuse to order a cinnamon raisin bagel if you are over the age of twelve.
  5. If you microwave a bagel, you will probably go to hell.
  6. A bagel is not an open face Cream Cheese sandwich, so put those two haves together and eat it right. What do you think this is? An English Muffin? The bagel experience is supposed to work your jaw, and if it’s not tired and a little sore when you are done, you probably just had a crappy bagel.

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